~ Her spindly, bare arms. Okay, Sandy, we get it, you're THIN. (Frankly, I don't trust a TV cook who isn't at least a tiny bit chunky.) But do you even own a shirt that has sleeves? If you do, I beg you to put it on. Those scrawny, pallid pipes of yours are not in the least attractive, dear. All they do is make me even more sure that your suspiciously large breasts are semi-homemade, too.
~ The bizarre and infuriating way she puts so much emphasis ON each preposition she says. Sandy, I'm not sure what speech classes you took at UW La Crosse, but I'm almost certain none of them suggested that you should say things like "I'm going to put the chicken INTO the oven at 350;" "I'm going to take some ice cream OUT OF the freezer;" or "All of these ingredients come FROM your very own pantry." What the bloody hell is wrong with you, woman? Have you never heard human speech before?
~ "Fantastic." Seriously, just watch one show and tell me I'm wrong. She uses the word forty times an episode to describe everything from the cutting board she's using to her flour tortilla-based "breakfast crepes." One might consider starting a drinking game based on "fantastic"--take a swig each time she says the word--but it's only a half hour show, so alcohol poisoning is a huge risk. Someone, anyone, please send this moron a thesaurus!
~ The ridiculously inappropriate clothes. When the series first started a few years ago, Sandy, you wore jeans and normal shirts or sweaters that were in keeping with your no-fuss cooking philosophy. Why then do you now find it necessary to don ever more elaborate fashion ensembles prior to cooking your cut-corner pseudo-food? My personal favorite was the lacy, diaphanous blouse (with long, finger-length cuffs, no less) that you wore to DEEP FRY mozzarella sticks. You really deserved to spend a month in the burn ward for that fashion choice, but somehow you got away with it. (I guess I should count my blessings--at least you were wearing sleeves.)
~ I honestly believe she never even bothers to taste the food she cooks. How else can one explain a muffin recipe that calls for 2-3 TEASPOONS of ground cloves. Sandy, have you ever actually tasted cloves? That's a pretty strong flavor, you see. Why not try, oh, say a quarter-teaspoon for 12 muffins? See how that works and get back to me.
Okay, I better run to Sherwin Williams for some orange paint. I'm baking a butternut squash tonight, and if the kitchen is going to look FANTASTIC, I need to get some paint ONTO the walls to match the colors OF my food. Then it's a quick stop at the fabric store to get material for matching orange drapes, tablecloths, and a fantastic sleeveless frock for me.
So until next time, keep it inane, keep it trashy, and remember, always keep it Semi Half-assed.