Five Things I Hate About Food Network's Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee
- Sandra Lee is a big fat liar. Why tell us that you're wearing a fancy party dress as you cook because you're "so short of time before my guests arrive"? We know this is a cooking show, and you're just on a set in a television studio. Don't you know that?
- Sandra Lee is a big fat liar. The whole premise of your lame-ass show is that you cut corners by using 70% store-bought, prepared food and adding 30% fresh ingredients. We get it. But don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining; when you make "a kicky fruit salsa" out of chopped FRUIT COCKTAIL FROM A CAN, please do not insult my intelligence by telling me that this will be "the best salsa you have EVER tasted!"
- Sandra Lee is a big fat liar. When every can you open has had its label removed, we know it's because you don't have a promotional deal with the company whose product you're using. Don't blame your little niece "Miss Stephanie" for tearing off all the labels. That's just wrong. You're an adult for God's sake--take responsibility for your actions!
- Sandra Lee is a big fat liar. My guests will NOT think it's "extra fun" if my tablecloth has an unhemmed edge with frayed thread dangling off it. They just won't. And you know it damn well.
- Sandra Lee is a big fat liar. Don't tell me that your "brilliant" ideas will save me oodles of time, when after I make your gag-worthy "fruit salsa" I am then expected to craft a "table-scape" by hot gluing beads to cheap-looking napkin rings from Target, repainting my dining room to match the the ketchup you glugged all over your meatloaf, and making personalized place cards using old family photos, glitter, and gold leaf from the craft store.
I know I said Five Things, but here's one to grow on:
It's pronounced ESpresso, you addlepated dolt, not EXpresso! The X, in addition to being invisible, is SILENT.