The following is a list of statements about the disgusting and
deplorable Sandra Lee, of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee.
Three
of these statements are complete fabrications of my own invention. The remaining items, tragically, are all too true.
Can you spot the fakes?
~ Sandra Lee, a woman with an unquenchable thirst for alcohol,
decorated her Christmas tree this year with the glassware from her bar and
subsequently gushed that the resulting monstrous insult to the very
notion of temperance was her "favorite Christmas tree EVER!"
~ Sandra Lee, a woman of highly questionable intellect, often tells her
viewers that she is "literally" going to add an ingredient to a dish,
as though there were some metaphorical cooking that she might instead
contemplate.
~ Sandra Lee, a woman who in 1984 was blinded in her
left eye during a drinking-related mishap in the Bahamas, has never
actually cooked any sort of food for any member of her immediate family.
~ Sandra Lee, a woman who can boast only the most tenuous attachment to the truth,
often claims to have house-guests arriving imminently as she cooks in a
television studio at the Food Network.
~ Sandra Lee, a woman who earned a fortune by inventing and patenting a type of window
blind before she decided to trash the culinary arts on basic cable, owns
6-foot tall German nutcracker.
~ Sandra Lee, a woman who owns 6-foot tall German nutcracker, was
known to football players at her alma mater, the University of
Wisconsin, La Crosse, as "The Nutcracker."
~ Sandra Lee, a woman whose lust for spirituous drink truly cannot be
sated, suggests how much alcohol to put into one of her insipidly
named "-tinis" by asking "How much FUN do you want to have?"
~ Sandra Lee, a woman with the design sense of a malnourished
harbor seal, once used a rusty chandelier as the centerpiece of one her
ghastly "tablescapes."
~ Sandra Lee, a woman with a severely limited vocabulary and
incipient alcoholic dementia, can think of no higher praise for a
five-star restaurant than the expression "fancy-dancy." ~ Sandra Lee, a woman who once consumed an entire bottle of
Cointreau during the taping of the episode entitled "Fancy Dancy Romancy
Recipes," has spoken of feeding her "hubby" bratwurst in bed.
~ Sandra Lee, a horrifying, nauseating shrew of a woman with pallid, spindly arms and a
suspiciously ample bosom, makes margaritas out of beer and calls them
"Beer-ritas."
~ Sandra Lee, a woman who has lived her entire life as a citizen
of the United States of America, speaks nonetheless with an oddly inflected, overly
crisp L-sound that she apparently thinks is LLively and cute, but in
fact makes even newborn infants want to gouge her eyes out with a
Tinker-Toy stick.
~ Sandra Lee, a woman who reeks of elderberry, stale cigarettes,
and amaretto-laden vomit, is the single most disgraceful trainwreck of a human being
every given the green light to helm a series on The Food Network.
Really not so very fond of Sandy,
~WG
I've always thought the expression "in arrears" sounds slightly dirty. But then, I'm a pervert.
