At the risk of being labeled a "Sharmock Scrooge," and in defiance of my ancestral heritage, I, Sean Kevin, must state unequivocally that I find St. Patrick's Day to be pretty damn annoying.
Sure, when I was in grade school, I got a mild kick out of the day. It was fun to wear something green to school (even though I knew it was a challenging color for me), and I enjoyed the attention of my teachers, who typically made comments like "Sean, with your name I don't even need to ask if you're Irish!"
"I'm half Irish, on my mom's side," I would answer proudly.
When I was in sixth grade, I was exposed to St. Patrick's Day on a scale I had never imagined existed. My family was visiting my dad's sister in Savannah, GA, which holds the second largest St. Patrick's Day parade in the country. Naturally, we attended. I enjoyed myself thoroughly, and I was VERY excited to see my first real celebrity in person. Lani O'Grady, the recently deceased actress who played eldest daughter Mary on Eight is Enough was stationed on one of the floats. She was acting really silly, and she seemed to be having trouble standing up, even though the float was moving at a stately, even pace.
"She's so drunk she can hardly stay on her feet," I heard my mom say disapprovingly. I had a hard time believing that Mary, who was such a responsible, studious medical school student on TV, would appear drunk in public, but the evidence was there before my eyes, along with an alarming amount of green-tinted vomit flowing in the streets.
Skip forward 30 years, and green vomit has lost most of its charm.
Each year, I am surprised once again to see people decorating their cubes at work with shamrocks and leprechauns. Um, okay.
"Hey, Miguel, glad to see you like St. Patty's Day! You, too, Xiao Ping! Yes, I do like your Shamrock deely-boppers! Very festive!"
"Yes, yes, my name is really Irish isn't it? Oh, my St. Patrick's plans? Um, I'll probably just ring it in quietly at home, as I do each year."
Or better yet, I'll ignore it completely. Of course, forgetting the day all together can prove dangerous, too.
This past Saturday, Darren and I made the enormous mistake of driving into downtown St .Paul (a very Irish city) to grab lunch at a brew pub that we like. What a nightmare that proved to be. It was as though the entire city had been invaded by drunken, green-skinned aliens.
"Holy crap, it's St. Patrick's Day! THE PARADE!" I exclaimed. Panic gripped us. How would we escape the ravening kelly green-clad throng?
Forunately, Darren used to be a transporter for the mafia, so he has mad driving skills. Tires screeching, we fled to the relative safety of the suburbs and had lunch near our home. A few freaks in green face-paint crossed our paths, but we were able to enjoy ourselves anyway.
Shamrocks! Leprechauns! Green beer!
Humbug!
~WG
PS--Slang, you're exempt from this sentiment, of course.