As I write this, the wretched, cirrhotic Sandra Lee is showing me how to make what she says will be THE BEST BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP I HAVE EVER TASTED.
Hmm. Let's examine that claim, shall we?
Sandy started with prepared butternut squash soup (how deliciously recursive!) and TO that she added the following "brilliant" ingredients: applesauce, pumpkin pie spice, curry, sour cream, and for that "extra special touch", ketchup.
Mmmm, I can taste my own bile just thinking about it!
Lord, this woman is just pure trash, isn't she? I haven't had much to say about Sandy lately, but you must never think I've stopped wishing her ill. She's just so terribly, horribly, irredeemably stupid.
Take the episode I watched last weekend. The mendacious premise of her Southwest Smorgasboard show was that her teenage nephew, Scottie (one assumes he just loves being called Scottie on national television) is about to pay a visit to "Aunt Sandy."
A picture of the aforementioned nephew is flashed on the screen. He is wearing a football uniform, and is probably sixteen years old. He must not know Sandy's cosmetic surgeon, for he's remarkably homely. We're also asked to believe that Scottie will soon be arriving with some of his "little friends."
Little friends? Oh Aunt Sandy, you wonderful, sloppy drunk, you say the cutest things! Well, since there is actually no nephew coming to visit, and therefore no tag-along football player friends, I guess we might as well call them "munchkin-babies" or something equally asinine.
Naturally, Aunt Sandy (as she insists on calling herself throughout the entire episode) knows just what these kids will LOVE. Yup, these lucky fictitious adolescents will be served mouth-watering, adulterated canned chili, washed down with Kiddie Cocktails!
The drink is officially called a "Desert Cooler," but Sandy refers to it repeatedly as a kiddie cocktail. I mean, WHAT THE HELL? If you had a houseful of teen boys (and again, Sandy doesn't, and probably never will have, but bear with me), do you think they would appreciate being served a nasty-ass kiddie cocktail, even if Aunt Sandy makes it "super special" by adding sparkling cider "which all kids LOVE"?
Sandy, let me explain something to you. Teenage boys don't like being called "little friends." They don't like to be served "kiddie cocktails." What they would like is for you to order them some Papa John's pizza, shut the hell up, drink your eight highballs, and pass out on the couch (no doubt with one of your nipples exposed), leaving them free to raid your vast walk-in liquor cabinet at their leisure.
The sparkling cider, Aunt Sandy, will never be opened. Not even for use as a mixer.
The nadir of the Southwest Smorgasboard episode involves the obligatory sports-themed "tablescape," which is simply PERFECT for the occasion. If, that is, the occasion is a five-year-old girl's birthday party. "If this tablescape doesn't get these boys to exclaim 'Aunt Sandy ROCKS!!' I don't know what will," the pathetic, vacuous trollop gushes.
Because that would actually happen. Because that's how teens are. They LOVE great tablescapes. Can't get enough of them, really.
Oh Sandy. I sure wish I could quit you.
Or, failing that, hit you with a car!