So, did anyone else catch Semi Home-Made Cooking With Sandra Lee this past Saturday? If not, you missed an instant classic of pure, unadulterated trash.
I don't really remember what she "cooked." That's really beside the point here. It's the "Tablescape" that was a true crime against humanity.
Allow me to share a brief bit of footage...
No, your eyes don't deceive you.
She actually hot glued some "ratty old fringe" (damned by her own words!) onto a garage-sale reject chair, spray-painted it gold, wrapped the chair in fake flowers, and used it as the freakin' centerpiece on her "fabulous tablescape"!
(And did you notice that she even fished for a compliment on the atrocious dinner jacket that she chose to match her table? Sandy, this is TV, not a video phone! You can't hear it when we shriek curses at you! If only you could!)
Let me state my position clearly: A chair centerpiece is NOT the work of a balanced mind.
Imagine that through some unimaginable set of unfortunate circumstances, you are sentenced to a dinner at "Aunt Sandy's" house. Thankfully, you're greeted at the door with very strong fruit cocktail-based "-tini" of some sort, so some of the horror of the evening will be obscured by a gauzy haze of alcohol.
You manage to hide during the appetizer course, spending half an hour rummaging through Sandy's bedroom in search of the "art photos" she posed for in college. But there's no getting out of dinner.
Nope, not with those hand-made, hot-glued butterfly-adorned place cards placed at every seat. Sandy would know if any of her guests were to go missing...
So, grudgingly, fearfully, you take a seat at your absolutely darling place setting.
But lo and behold, a miracle transpires! You're seated directly across from none other than Jake Gyllenhaal!
At least you've been told it's Jake sitting opposite you. (Shirtless, they say, and with a new nipple piercing.)
Of course, for all you know, that could be Santa Claus on the other side of the table.
BECAUSE THERE'S A GODDAMN SPRAY-PAINTED, PLASTIC WEED-WRAPPED CHAIR PROPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FREAKIN' DINING ROOM TABLE, AND YOU CAN'T SEE SHIT.
I don't even think that's good feng shui.