A sorry state

Hi. I'm reappearing, much the worse for wear. I have nothing happy to blog about yet (well, okay--yes I'm walking, and that's great), but I owe this one to Darren, whom I've treated horribly in many ways since we split up in late June.

In the past months, I've seen myself become vengeful, cruel, and vitriolic in the way I interact with Darren. I've taken what was a sad situation and succeeded in making it truly ugly.

Darren, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry that I've taken what was a hard decision for you and made it easier in retrospect. I can't blame you for wanting to be rid of the person I've become in these last months. Despite my deep sorrow and anger, you deserved better from me than the shabby the way I've treated you.

I'm sorry that I've taken for granted the kind gestures you've made to lessen the financial impact I suffer from our split. I do appreciate your generosity, and I thank you for it.

I'm especially sorry for things I have said online to denigrate or mock you and the new life you've chosen for yourself. And most of all, I'm ashamed of what I said about the man you've started dating. My grief isn't an excuse for the things I've done, and I don't know how I can make this up to you. Perhaps I can't.

Nonetheless, I do ask you to accept my apology. It is heart-felt and sincere. I don't know what, if any, relationship we will have once the house is sold and we each go our own ways. But for the sake of the love I shared with you for so many years, for the shared joys, tears, laughs, and sorrows, I ask you to forgive me. You're right, I'm better than what I've become.

I'm sorry.

- Sean

Comments

[Mary Kay Vogel]

Sean, looks like this puts you one step closer to self love. I am happy to see you reappear. Please remember to forgive yourself, as many times as you need to. 100 times a day say that you accept and love yourself. Now get some angry knitting going, or at least stab some yarn balls for release. Hugs to you. Please keep posting.
Mary Kay

[JustAMike]

This is a very nice thing you've done. I like the follow-up messages too.

Keep well. I wish you peace and happiness again.

[Mary]

I love that you wrote this. I may borrow a line or two...

[Nigel]

Moving and powerful. But I don't want you to beat yourself up too much. You went through a harrowing experience - wanting to defend yourself was natural - and in retrospect you are discovering you are a better person than you thought you might be. I'm proud of you for doing this - but don't forget to love yourself too.

Big hugs
OOOOO
Nigel

[Cheryl]

Forgiveness is not saying, "What you did to me is okay." It is saying, "I'm not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever." Forgiveness is the answer... let go, find peace, liberate yourself. It will take time. Be patient with yourself.

[Cb]

That was probably difficult to write-- but it was important to do so.