Hi there. So, Thanksgiving is behind us. I had two lovely days with my family: the first on Thursday, when nearly my whole family gathered to celebrate and gorge ourselves, and then, on Sunday, when I enjoyed a second round of Thanksgiving with my sister's family.
Much as I did at the first Thanksgiving after my mom passed away in 2004, I shed quite a few tears over the holiday weekend. I couldn't help but think back to last year, when I was still so happy with Darren, even though I know now he wasn't happy with me, and the end was rushing towards us.
Probably the hardest part of the weekend was being alone while checking into a dumpy motel in my hometown on Thanksgiving night. It was a dumpy place when I stayed there last time with Darren, but at least then we had fun laughing about it before snuggling up together.
This year Darren couldn't even bring himself to reply to the email I sent him wishing him a happy Thanksgiving. I can't blame him, after some of the things I've said. But it still hurt.
I honestly did have great time with my family, but every few minutes I'd be hit by a hollow feeling, the same feeling I've had almost contantly since Darren left. I'd see everyone laughing, having a good time, and I'd ache with loss.
I know. Look forward, not back. Everyone tells me that. My family, my friends, my therapist. I tell myself that. But the holidays are loaded with memories and nostalgia. It's impossible not to look back.
Christmas is next, and that's "the big show." I'm melancholy at Christmas at the best of times, and these are definitely not the best of times.
I'm forcing myself to go through the motions, to decorate the house, at least the parts where I spend my time. I still feel hollow inside, but the lights are cheery, and I think I deserve some cheer. It turned out okay, even if I'm at 30% power.
I'm working on filling my December with events to keep myself busy and distracted. This coming Sunday I'm taking my nephews to see A Christmas Carol at the Guthrie Theater. It's probably the sixth or seventh time I've seen the play performed there, but I think it will take on fresh life for me as I watch Ian and Gavin enjoy it. I look forward to buying them cookies and hot chocolate and the intermission, outrageously expsensive as those items will be.
Looking for a new place to live is also taking up a lot of my time and attention. It's a stressful and unpleasant process. (Yes, exciting new starts, all that crap. I'm not there--it just plain sucks to leave my house.) Finding a place that isn't a complete shithole, isn't 20 miles from work, is affordable AND accepts dogs is a daunting task at best. I've come close a couple times, but in each case the home was rented before I could apply. Keep your fingers crossed.
Meanwhile, I'd really like to spend the night with a handsome man.
