A chapter closes, a chapter begins

Hi. It's me again. Happy belated New Year to you, fine readers of WoolGatherer. I hope 2012 has treated you well so far.

This day finds me relaxing at home, looking out over the pond and lake--a view that I've loved for the seven years I've lived in this house. The weather is nasty, drizzly and cold, but I don't mind. Hudson is on my lap, the fireplace is burning cheerily, and I've got a Harry Potter film to keep me entertained.

I'm also surrounded by towers of cardboard boxes, evidence that I won't be here much longer. In fact, in five days the movers will come, and I'll be setting up home in a rental townhouse a few miles south of here. So, this is my last weekend here by the pond.

I'm sad, of course. Very sad still, that Darren walked out on Hudson and me, sad to be leaving the house I thought would always be my home, sad to think of Darren moving back here once I've left. How differently things have turned out than I ever expected or wanted.

Over the last six months I have been very angry and resentful to have to leave my home, but that anger has mostly faded. At the moment, my focus is on getting through the move and setting up my new house. The place I've found is nothing special, but I think I can make it homey. Besides, it's just a year lease. If I don't like it, I don't have to be there that long.

I know that the move is healthy for me. I know I need to start building new, happy memories in a setting that isn't permeated by memories of Darren and our life together.

I still don't know what to do with those memories. I find no joy in them, only resentment, pain, and sorrow. I hope that will change over time. I spent a third of my life with Darren, after all. I don't want all of those years to be poisoned by how coldly he treated me at the end.

My friends and family are, to a one, excited to see me start this new chapter of my life. I can't say I'm excited precisely, but at least I'm no longer suicidal, as I was for months over the summer and fall. There were some truly dark days, and I'm glad to have them safely behind me.

So, next weekend, I'll be snuggled up with Hudson in a new home. I'm scared, but I'm also open to being happy.

Darren is gone.

Fine.

I'm still here. I still kick ass.

And I'll be okay.

Comments

[robbie]

the hard part is over! it's time to have some fun! <3

[Mary]

Yes, you do kick ass. And, you have/got Hudson! I'm looking forward to reading about your new life and how you're moving on (please). Happy New Year!

[Judi]

You can do it! It might even be fun and/or better. It for sure will be different and sometimes different is very very good.

[Christopher]

You're awesome!

[Chard]

Anything can be handled as long as there's a dog to cuddle and a Harry potter film to watch.

[JustAMike]

You will be ok, there is no doubt about it! We aren't always able to choose the chapters that are written into the book of our life but we are always in control of how we read those chapters once they are history.

When I split with my ex (read: "when she dumped me"), I realized that the "movie" of how I expected my life to play out had suddenly changed. Now I'm in a new movie and it's great. Your next movie will be great too!!

[Sheila]

Bigger and better things are to come my brother. I love you.